Manners (Part 1)
Chapter 4
Keeping Contact with
Kinship
40005: Ruling on upholding
ties with one's mother and siblings through
breastfeeding
Question:
I have a mother and siblings through
breastfeeding (radaa'ah). Do I have to uphold
ties with them and visit them as I visit my
mother and siblings through blood ties? I used
to visit them, then it was said to me that I do
not have to do that, and I am confused about
that.
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
The shar'i rulings concerning relationships
through breastfeeding are not the same as the
rulings concerning relationships through blood
ties. Breastfeeding (radaa'ah) does not mean
that one is obliged to spend on those relatives,
or that one is entitled to inherit from them, or
that one may be a guardian for the purpose of
marriage _ unlike the case with ties of blood.
What they have in common is that people
related in either way are forbidden to marry,
and may look at one another and be alone with
one another, and are regarded as mahrams for the
purpose of travel.
This is the wisdom of sharee'ah, because
Islam cannot give a mother who breastfed a child
five times the same rights as the mother who
carried him, gave birth to him, breastfed him
and brought him up, and is the reason for the
child's existence. Can the love, compassion and
devotion in the heart of the blood mother be
likened to that in the heart of the mother
through breastfeeding?
There are verses of the Qur'aan which refer
to that. Allaah says (interpretation of the
meaning):
"And We have enjoined on man (to be
dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother
bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness
and hardship, and his weaning is in two years"
[Luqmaan 31:14]
And Allaah says, after commanding the child
to treat his parents well and forbidding him to
do the slightest act of disobedience towards
them (interpretation of the meaning):
"and say: `My Lord! Bestow on them Your
Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young'"
[al-Isra' 17:24]
Hence some of the scholars said that a son
through breastfeeding has to respect and honour
his mother and his parents through
breastfeeding, but he does not have to honour
them and uphold ties with them in the same way
as a son is obliged to honour his parents and
relatives by blood.
There are several da'eef (weak) ahaadeeth on
this topic, which we will mention here so that
people may be aware of them.
1 _ It was narrated that al-Tufayl (may
Allaah be pleased with him) said: I saw the
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) sharing out some meat in al-Ji'raanah, when
a woman came up to the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) and he spread
out her cloak for her, and she sat down on it. I
said, "Who is she?" They said, "This is his
mother who breastfed him."
Narrated by Abu Dawood, 5144; classed as
da'eef by al-Albaani in Da'eef Abi
Dawood, 1102.
Ibn Hibbaan (10/44) included this hadeeth in
a chapter which he called, "Ways in which it is
recommended for a person to honour the one who
breastfed him when he was small."
2 _ It was narrated from `Umar ibn al-Saa'ib
that he heard that the Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was
sitting when his father through breastfeeding
came to him; he spread part of his cloak for him
and he sat on it. Then his mother through
breastfeeding came to him and he spread part of
his cloak on the other side and she sat on it.
Then his brother through breastfeeding came and
the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) stood up for him and made
him sit in front of him.
Narrated by Abu Dawood, 5145; classed as
da'eef by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah
al-Da'eefah, 1120.
3 _ It was narrated from Hajjaaj ibn Hajjaaj
al-Aslami that his father asked the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): "O
Messenger of Allaah, how can I repay the favour
of breastfeeding?" He said: "(By giving) a male
or female slave."
Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1153; al-Nasaa'i,
3329; Abu Dawood, 2064. Classed as da'eef by
al-Albaani in Da'eef Abi Dawood, 445.
Al-Suyooti said in Sharh al-Nasaa'i,
6/108.
What is meant by repaying the favour of
breastfeeding is the duties that are owed as a
result of having been breastfed. It is as if he
is asking, How can I waive the duties I owe as a
result of having been breastfed so that I will
have paid them off in full? They used to regard
it as something good to give a gift to the wet
nurse once the child had been weaned, other the
wages that had be agreed upon. End quote.
4 _ The biographers said that when the
captive woman of Hawaazin had been gathered
together, their spokesman Zuhayr ibn Sard came
and said: "O Messenger of Allaah, inside the
enclosure are your mothers, your maternal aunts
and your nursemaids. Do us a favour (and free
us), may Allaah bless you."
These ahaadeeth speak of honouring and
respecting, which are Islamic manners that are
encouraged with regard to all Muslims. This is
the reason why the Prophet (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) set them all free.
Al-Bidaayah wa'l-Nihaayah, 4/419
And Allaah knows best.
Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com)
14630: Rights of brothers and
sisters
Question:
What are the rights of brothers, sisters and
parents on the man at the time .
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah. Brothers and sisters are
among the relatives with whom Islam commands us
to uphold ties.
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) said: "Allaah says: `I am
al-Rahmaan (the Most Merciful) and this rahm
(tie of kinship) has a name that is derived from
My name. Whoever uphold it, I will take care of
him, and whoever severs it, I will cut him
off.'"
(Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1907; Abu Dawood,
1694; classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani in
al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 520).
And the Prophet (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) said: "Whoever would like
his lifespan to be extended and his provision to
be increased, let him uphold the ties of
kinship."
(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1961; Muslim, 2557)
Among the rights that they share with other
Muslims, except that their rights are stronger,
are: that you should greet them with salaam when
you meet them; you should accept their
invitation when they invite you; you should say
"Yarhamukum Allaah (may Allaah have mercy
on you) if they sneeze; you should visit them if
they fall sick; you should attend their funeral
if they die; you should go along with them if
they swear that you should do something; you
should advise them sincerely if they seek your
advice; you should not backbite about them in
their absence; you should love for them what you
love for yourself and hate for them what you
hate for yourself. All of that is narrated in
saheeh ahaadeeth.
Their rights also include: that you should
not harm any of them in word or deed. The
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) said: "The Muslim is the one from whose
tongue and hand the Muslims are safe." (Narrated
by al-Bukhaari, 10; Muslim, 40). And he (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, in a
lengthy hadeeth in which he enjoined a number of
virtues, "… If you cannot do that, then leave
people alone (and do not offend them), for that
is an act of charity that you do for yourself."
(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2382; Muslim, 84).
With regard to parents' rights, we have
explained the mother's rights over her children
in the answer to question number 5053
And Allaah knows best.
Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com)
11934: His Muslim wife's
relatives are kaafirs who mistreat her
Question:
Me and my wife are in a delemma about our
relatives. We both are the only muslims in among
our families.
I'm in very close family they
are there when you need help they're very
supportive of me. My wife family isn't close to
her at all nor are they close to our kids.My
wife brothers talks to her as she are garbage,
they cheat her out of her money by telling her
lies of deciet, they drink, and commit adultery,
and her sisters on the other hand threaten her a
lot by calling "DCFS," they call her liers about
everything, they disregard everything she say,
and they have gatherings and she's not invited,
and they all hate Islam and talks negative about
it.Where do draw the line and say enough is
enough. I know Islam teaches us to be kind to
our family members but how do you deal with
family that don't respect you and criticize you
all the time. My wife get angry at me when I
tell her about them, even though she knows how
they are. What makes me very angry is that my
wife brothers say things to her and she makes
excuses for them about why they treat her this
way that if I were to say similar she would blow
the roof off the house,and if I asked them why
they talk to her that way she would accuse me of
making fitna. How do I deal with matter or how
should she deal with matter. please advise
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
Praise Allaah that your family is
closely-knit and that you do not suffer the
things that your wife suffers from her family.
Appreciating this blessing fully will make you
give thanks to your Lord and feel compassion for
your wife because of the state of affairs with
her family. This will motivate you to console
her and stand beside her to ward off
mistreatment from her, and boost her morale when
she is faced with these attacks. Our advice to
your wife is to bear her family's mistreatment
with patience and to strive to call the
individuals in her family who are less evil and
more open to accepting the truth. Then if her
kaafir family are causing her trouble, she can
mix with them less, and make her visits to them
brief and for a purpose. No Muslim is obliged to
mix with kaafir relatives if he cannot bear
their mistreatment, but he should strive to bear
their mistreatment with patience and call them
to Islam.
Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih
Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com)
11757: Her husband will not
let their children visit their kaafir
grandparents
Question:
My husband and my family do not get along,
they are not muslim, although I have invited
them many times, nor do they understand Islam.
My husband wants to prevent my parents from
seeing my children because he feels they have
cursed Allah, although they have not done so. Is
this allowed?
Answer:
We asked our shaykh, Shaykh Muhammad ibn
Saalih al-`Uthaymeen, about a woman who says, my
parents are kaafirs and my husband will not let
the children see them. Does he have any right to
do that?
He answered, may Allaah preserve him, as
follows:
He does not have that right, but she should
be tactful with him. It should be said to the
husband that if there is no danger to the
children's religious commitment, he should not
stop them (from seeing their grandparents). And
he can be on the safe side by going with his
children when they visit their grandparents.
Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-`Uthaymeen
(www.islam-qa.com)
10132: He visits his aunt and
problems arise as a result
Question:
Should I visit my (paternal) aunt, knowing
that she does not feel comfortable with me in
her house, and after every visit she causes
endless problems? In order to prevent further
problems, I have decided not to visit her, but I
greet her with salaams whenever I see her.
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
The purpose of visiting is to uphold the ties
of kinship and to strengthen the bonds (between
family members). If the visits only serve to
drive people further apart, then it is better
not to visit, and to allow other means of
keeping in touch to suffice, such as phone calls
and the like.
But it is better to strive to deal with the
causes of these feelings and problems with your
aunt. (See also Question #4631).
Shaykh Muhammad al-Duwaysh (www.islam-qa.com)
10225: Is it permissible to
attend family gatherings in which bid'ah takes
place?
Question:
When my family has any kind of occasion such
as a wedding, circumcision or funeral, in the
weddings and circumcision celebrations they use
a drum and make ululations of joy, and on the
occasion of a death they wail in an outrageous
fashion. Should I go to these gatherings or not,
when they do these bid'ahs (innovations)?
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
It is not permissible for you to go to a
gathering in which these evil actions take
place, unless you are able to change this bid'ah
and advise them and teach them in a goodly
manner, so go to enjoin what is good and forbid
what is evil.
From Fataawaa al-Lajnah al-Daa'imah, 12/365
(www.islam-qa.com)
7571: Suggestions as how to
end the estrangement between disputing relatives
Question:
My Uncle has told my mother that he doesn't
want to see our family ever again. What is our
duty in this position considering we did nothing
to upset him or his family?
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
You have to look for the reason, for it is
not normal for something like this to happen
without a reason, but that reason may be unknown
to you. If you did not do anything deliberate to
upset him, then do not feel responsible for what
has happened and for his cutting off ties with
you. You have to be patient and treat him well
even if he mistreats you. Perhaps he will come
back to you when he sees your good attitude.
In many cases, this kind of rigid and
harsh-hearted attitude is temporary and does not
last for long; it may stem from a particular
incident which made the person angry, but when
his anger has calmed down and some time has
passed, things go back to the way they were, or
close enough. Perhaps some extreme circumstances
coincided with a bad attitude, hatred or an
inclination to bear grudges, which resulted in a
long-term estrangement. In this case all parties
concerned should be given time to calm down
gradually, so that the bad feelings may be
reduced; at the same time, the person who has
cut off ties of kinship should be reminded of
the rights of his relatives, what Allaah and His
Messenger say on this matter, and the stern
warning issued to those who cut off ties of
kinship. If any of the parties involved have
been wronged, things must be put right as
quickly as possible, and there is nothing wrong
with trying to heal the wounded pride of the
party that has been wronged, by apologizing or
getting together for the purpose of
reconciliation, etc., as Allaah says
(interpretation of the meaning):
"and adjust all matters of difference
among you" [al-Anfaal 8:1].
We hope that the one who undertakes to
reconcile between them will earn the reward
mentioned in the aayah (interpretation of the
meaning);
"There is no good in most of their secret
talks save (in) him who orders Sadaqah (charity
in Allaah's Cause), or Ma`roof (Islamic
Monotheism and all the good and righteous deeds
which Allaah has ordained), or conciliation
between mankind; and he who does this, seeking
the good Pleasure of Allaah, We shall give him a
great reward" [al-Nisaa' 4:114]
Sometimes it may be better to avoid getting
involved in looking for a reconciliation until
things have calmed down and people are more
likely to agree to open the issue and listen to
those who want to reconcile between them and
accept their suggestions.
We ask Allaah for guidance. Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
(www.islam-qa.com)
5158: Can he travel to a
kaafir country for the sake of upholding family
ties?
Question:
What is the ruling about going to Visit
Friends and relatives in America?
(For the sake of Allah, not for the sake of
play and vain talk.).
Jazaka Allah Khayr.
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
It is not permissible to travel to a kaafir
country except for a valid reason such as
studying to acquire knowledge or skills that are
not available in a Muslim country, or for
medical treatment. But the traveller should have
sufficient religious commitment to protect him
from temptation and sufficient knowledge to
protect him from doubts. Keeping in touch with
relatives and upholding the ties of kinship can
be achieved through lesser means; you can call
them by phone, or correspond with them in any
fashion, or send greetings and gifts, and so on.
A person should not expose himself to the risks
of travelling to a kaafir country and committing
sin for the sake of something that may be
achieved through other means. And Allaah knows
best.
Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
(www.islam-qa.com)
1426: Rulings on upholding
the ties of kinship for females
Question:
my sister who has shahada is married to a man
who is not, at the time she didn;t know that he
is haram for her. My husband will not allow me
to visit her home because he is not muslim, it
this allowed? I would just visit her home when
he is not there
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
There follow some details about the issue of
women upholding their ties of kinship, and what
they should do with husbands who prevent them
from doing so.
Upholding the ties of kinship is obligatory
even for females, who must uphold them as much
as they can. Therefore it is not permissible for
a man to prevent his wife or daughter from
upholding her ties of kinship, and if he stops
her from visiting them, but he lets her convey
greetings to them, whether by letter or through
a third person, or send them gifts, then she
should do that. It is sufficient even if she
only sends greetings without a gift, but if she
sends her greetings with a gift, that is better.
If he stops her from sending a gift but allows
her to send greetings, then she should send
greetings. If he allows her to send a gift but
stops her from sending greetings, then she
should send a gift. If he allows her to go and
see them, then she should go. If he stops her
from doing anything that comes under the heading
of upholding ties of kinship, then there is no
obedience to any created being if it involves
disobedience to the Creator. In this case she
should maintain her family ties in the way that
is least objectionable to her husband or father,
whether it is sending gifts or conveying
greetings, and she can conceal that if she is
fearful. If her relatives are faced with some
hardship, she should help them with what they
need, even if he says not to. She should uphold
her family ties by offering condolences in the
case of bereavement or loss, and condolence
means advising patience. She should also
congratulate them on joyful occasions, and
congratulating them means praying that they will
enjoy to the full whatever has brought them joy,
and that it will not be spoilt for them. Such
joyful events include the return of a traveller,
a wedding, etc. She should not adorn herself or
display her adornment in front of those to whom
she should not show herself, such as cousins
(sons of maternal uncles or paternal uncles),
and she should convey her greetings to them from
behind a barrier and without making her voice
soft, but this is only in cases where there is
no fear of fitnah, otherwise she may convey
greetings through a third party. She does not
have to attend funerals.
It is not permissible for the husband to stop
his wife from upholding the ties of kinship even
if it involves her going out, but she should not
go out except with his permission. The same
applies to fathers. The wife should treat her
husband gently so that she will still be able to
fulfil her shar'i duty of upholding the ties of
kinship. We ask Allaah to put all our affairs in
order.
Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
(www.islam-qa.com)
4631: Broken ties of kinship
and relationships
Question:
What is the meaning of silat al-rahm
(upholding the ties of kinship)?
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
Islam calls for the upholding of the ties of
kinship because of the great effect that this
has on achieving social cohesion and
perpetuating cooperation and love among the
Muslims. Upholding the ties of kinship is a duty
because Allaah says (interpretation of the
meaning):
"… and fear Allaah through Whom you demand
your mutual (rights), and (do not cut the
relations of ) the wombs (kinship)…"
[al-Nisa' 4:1]
"And give to the kindred his due and to the
miskeen (poor)…"
[al-Isra' 17:26]
Allaah has warned us against cutting the ties
of kinship (interpretation of the meaning):
"And those who break the Covenant of Allaah,
after its ratification, and sever that which
Allaah has commanded to be joined (i.e., they
sever the bond of kinship and are not good to
their relatives), and work mischief in the land,
on them is the curse (i.e., they will be far
away from Allaah's Mercy); And for them is the
unhappy (evil) home (i.e., Hell)." [al-Ra'd
13:26]
What punishment could be worse than the curse
and the evil home that awaits those who sever
the ties of kinship ? They deny themselves the
reward for upholding the ties of kinship in the
Hereafter, in addition to denying themselves
much good in this world, which is a long life
and ample provision. The Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
said: "Whoever would like his rizq (provision)
to be increased and his life to be extended,
should uphold the ties of kinship." (Reported by
al-Bukhaari, 5986 and Muslim, 2557). Abu
Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said:
"The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) said: `Allaah created the
universe, and when He had finished, kinship
(al-rahm) stood up and said, "This is the
standing up of one who seeks Your protection
from being cut off." Allaah said, "Yes, would it
please you if I were to take care of those who
take care of you and cut off those who cut you
off?" It said, "Of course." Allaah said, "Then
your prayer in granted."'" The Prophet (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said,
"Recite, if you wish (interpretation of the
meaning): `Would you then, if you were given
the authority, do mischief in the land, and
sever your ties of kinship? Such are they whom
Allaah has cursed, so that He has made them deaf
and blinded their sight.' [Muhammad
47:22-23]."
(Saheeh Muslim bi Sharh al-Nawawi,
16/112).
Once we understand this, we need to ask: who
is the one who upholds the ties of kinship? This
was explained by the Messenger (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) when he said:
"The one who maintains a relationship with his
relatives only because they maintain a
relationship with him is not truly upholding the
ties of kinship. The one who truly upholds those
ties is the one who does so even if they break
off the relationship." (Reported by al-Bukhaari,
5645).
If the relationship is merely one of
returning favours and giving like in return for
like, and not taking the initiative, then this
is not upholding the ties of kinship, it is only
responding in kind. Some people follow the
principle of giving a gift in return for a gift,
and visiting in return for a visit, so if
someone does not give them a gift, they do not
give him a gift, and if he does not visit them,
they do not visit him. This is not what is meant
by upholding the ties of kinship at all, and
this is not what is required by Islam. This is
merely responding in kind, it is not the higher
degree which Islam urges us to reach. A man said
to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him), "I have relatives with
whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me
off. I treat them well, but they abuse me. I am
patient and kind towards them, but they insult
me." The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah
be upon him) said, "If you are as you say, then
it is as if you are putting hot dust in their
mouths. Allaah will continue to support you as
long as you continue to do that." (Reported by
Muslim with commentary by al-Nawawi, 16/115).
Who could bear to put up with hot dust? We seek
refuge with Allaah from cutting off the ties of
kindship.
Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
(www.islam-qa.com)
4428: Number of times a wife
can visit her family
Question:
Sir my question is that how many times can a
wife go to her parents house in a week and what
is the say of husband in this matter. Thank-you.
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
Upholding family ties is obligatory, as
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
"… fear Allaah through Whom you demand your
mutual (rights), and (and do not cut of the
relations of) the wombs (kinship)…" [al-Nisa'
4:1]
"And give to the kindred his due and to
the poor…" [al-Isra' 17:26]
Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him)
reported that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
"Allaah created His creation, and when He had
finished, al-rahm (the tie of kinship) got up.
He said, `What is it?' Al-rahm said: "This is
the position of one who is seeking refuge with
You from being cut off.' He said, `Will you not
be pleased if I should take care of the one who
takes care of you, and cut off the one who cuts
you off?' Al-rahm said, `Of course, O Lord.' He
said, `Then it will be so.'" Abu Hurayrah quoted
(interpretation of the meaning): "Would you
then, if you were given the authority, do
mischief in the land, and sever your ties of
kinship?" [Muhammad 47:22]. (Reported by
al-Bukhaari, 6948)
Upholding the ties of kinship means being
kind to one's relatives, whether by giving them
material things or treating them well. The least
of this is greeting them with salaam and not
forsaking them.
There is no limit in sharee'ah to the number
of times a person should visit his or her
relatives, because this will differ according to
people's circumstances, how busy they are, how
close or how far away they live, and the
circumstances, employment and other commitments
of the husband who is to bring his wife to visit
her family. Some wives live close to their own
families, and others may live in another city or
country, all of which are factors in the matter.
But the husband should realize that it is not
permissible for him to deliberately prevent his
wife from visiting her family and upholding her
ties of kinship with them. By the same token,
the wife should not exhaust her husband with
frequent trips and expenses that he cannot bear.
She should make requests of him commensurate
with his capabilities. We ask Allaah to put all
our affairs right. May Allaah bless our Prophet
Muhammad.
Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
(www.islam-qa.com)
2294: Visiting relatives who
have a satellite dish in their homes
Question:
A person regularly visits his relatives, but
those relatives have some evil things in their
home, like a satellite dish, even though they
know it is haraam. Should he stop visiting them
or should he still visit them?
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
If a person has relatives, then it is
obligatory to uphold the ties of kinship, even
if they are not as one would like them to be,
because Allaah says (interpretation of the
meaning): "And We have enjoined on man (to be
dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother
bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness
and hardship, and his weaning is in two years _
give thanks unto Me and to your parents, - unto
Me is the final destination. But if they (both)
strive with you to make you join in worship with
Me that of which you have no knowledge, then
obey them not, but behave with them in the world
kindly…"
[Luqmaan 31:14-15]. He did not say "kill
them", He said, "but behave with them in the
world kindly…"
Upholding the ties of kinship is obligatory
even if the relatives are not as one would like
them to be. So you must keep in touch with your
relatives even if they have this dish, which
most people use to view haraam things, waste
their time and money, and corrupt their morals
and minds.
If they use the dish to watch haraam things
when you are present, then do not go to them so
that you will not be a partner in their sin, but
still we advise people to pay attention to their
duties towards their relatives, which include
advising them, i.e., going to them and
explaining to them that this _ watching haraam
things _ is haraam. Then you will have done your
duty of advising them and treating them well.
(Liqa' al-Baab al-Maftooh by Ibn
`Uthaymeen, 148).
The Muslim must also pay attention to his
children when they go to visit these relatives;
he should not let his children sit with them
when they are watching haraam things. The Muslim
who is sincere can, if he is smart, divert the
relatives and others with some interesting talk
or useful activities to distract them from
watching these haraam things; he can strive to
make other, permissible forms of entertainment
available (such as some sports activities or
games or useful computer games, etc.) This will
give the others an alternative to watching
haraam things, at least in part. We ask Allaah
to reform us all, for He is the Guide to the
Straight Path.
Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
(www.islam-qa.com)
1398: Du'aa' for guidance of
someone close
Question:
what would be a good du'a or ayah to recite
if you want Allah to open the heart of someone
very close to you to Islam?
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
The best thing to do in this situation is to
pray for guidance for that person. This is what
the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be
upon him) did, as is reported in a number of
ahadeeth, such as the following:
Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him)
reported that Tufayl ibn `Amr al-Dawsi and his
companions came to the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said: "O
Messenger of Allaah, Daws have rebelled and
disobeyed, so pray to Allaah against them."
People said, "Now Daws are doomed!" He said, "O
Allaah, guide Daws and bring them here."
(Reported by al-Bukhaari, 2937).
Abu Hurayrah said: "I was calling my mother
to Islam, when she was still a mushrik. One day
I called her to Islam and she said something
about the Messenger of Allaah (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) that upset me.
I came to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him), weeping, and
said: `O Messenger of Allaah, I was calling my
mother to Islam and she refused. Today I called
her and she said something about you that upset
me. Pray to Allaah to guide the mother of Abu
Hurayrah.' So the Messenger of Allaah (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: `O
Allaah, guide the mother of Abu Hurayrah.' I
left, feeling hopeful because of the Prophet's
prayer. When I got home, as I came near to the
door I saw it was ajar. My mother heard my
footsteps and said, `Stay where you are, Abu
Hurayrah!' I could hear the sound of water. She
washed herself, got dressed and put on her
khimaar (head covering). Then she opened the
door and said, `O Abu Hurayrah, I bear witness
that there is no god except Allaah, and I bear
witness that Muhammad is His slave and
Messenger.' I went back to the Messenger of
Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him), weeping with joy, and said, `O Messenger
of Allaah, good news! Allaah has answered your
prayer and has guided the mother of Abu
Hurayrah.' He praised and thanked Allaah, and
said, `That is good.' I said, `O Messenger of
Allaah, pray to Allaah to make my mother and me
dear to His believing slaves, and to make them
dear to us.' The Messenger of Allaah (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, `O
Allaah, make this slave of Yours (meaning Abu
Hurayrah) and his mother dear to Your believing
slaves, and make the believers dear to them.'
There is no believer who hears of me or sees me,
but he loves me."
(Reported by al-Bukhaari, 4546).
Jaabir said: "They said, `O Messenger of
Allaah, we have suffered much from the arrows of
Thaqeef (this was when they were fighting,
before they became Muslim), so pray to Allaah
against them.' He said, `O Allaah, guide
Thaqeef.'"
(Reported by al-Tirmidhi, who said: this is a
hasan saheeh ghareeb hadeeth. Sunan
al-Tirmidhi, no. 3877).
We ask Allaah the Most Generous, Lord of the
Mighty Throne, to guide your loved one to Islam
soon, by His Grace and Mercy. Allaah is the One
Who guides to the Straight Path.
Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih
Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com)
793: Dealing with hurtful
relatives
Question:
This is regarding family matters and
disputes.
I have a maternal uncle who
creates alot of trouble for my family. His wife
and children have even went to the limits of
taking my mother to court, and falsely bearing
witness that she physically assaulted them and
threatened to kill them. There are numerous
things they do, but, my uncle after a few months
fights with his children and comes back and asks
my mother for forgiveness. She forgives him, and
he starts pretending he is a maskeen. But, he
continues to support his children and wife who
hurt my mother numerously.
Anyway, I asked my mother, NOT to talk to him
anymore. She claims we have to forget and
forgive. But, surely there are limitations.
Anyway, is it wrong to ask my mother, not to
associate with him anymore. Is it wrong for me
to continue to refuse to have anything to do
with him or his family. I DO NOT wish to forget
or forgive, especially, when there is no change
in his behavior.
Any Advice is appreciated.
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
If you want to deal with him on the basis of
justice, then it is permissible for you to
respond in like to his unkind words, as Allaah
says (interpretation of the meaning): "And if
you punish (your enemy), then punish them with
the like of that with which you were
afflicted…" [al-Nahl 16:126].
But if you bear it with patience, that will
be better for you, as Allaah says at the end of
the same aayah (interpretation of the meaning):
"… But if you endure patiently, verily, it is
better for al-saabireen (the patient ones)."
[al-Nahl 16:126]
If you want to turn enmity into love, then
treat him well, if he treats you badly, as
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
"The good deed and the evil deed cannot be
equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is
better, then verily! He between whom and you
there was enmity, (will become) as though he was
a close friend." [Fussilat 41:34]
The
words, "The good deed and the evil deed cannot
be equal" mean that there is a huge difference
between the two. "Repel (the evil) with one
which is better," means that when someone treats
you badly, answer back with something better, as
`Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) said:
"There is no better punishment for the person
who sinned by being bad to you, than your
obeying Allaah by being good to him in return."
(Tafseer Ibn Katheer).
A man came to the
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) and said: "O Messenger of Allaah, I have
relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but
they cut me off; I treat them well, but they
treat me badly; I try to be kind to them, but
they are cruel to me." He said: "If you are as
you say, it is as if you are putting hot ashes
in their mouths. You will continue to have
support from Allaah against them so long as you
continue doing that." (Reported by Muslim, no.
2558)
Our advice to you, our sister, is to be
tolerant and forgiving. Follow your mother's
advice. It is clear from your question that this
man has room to regret and retract his bad
actions. Allaah tells us (interpetation of the
meaning): " … whoever forgives and makes
reconciliation, his reward is due from
Allaah…"
[al-Shoora 42:40]
However, all of this does not prevent us from
protecting ourselves from the evil and harm that
such relatives may cause. If going to their
houses, for example, will cause some kind of
offence or harm, then the relationship can be
limited to telephone calls, kind words, the
occasional gift and so on. The relationship can
be maintained at a distance, if being too close
will cause problems.
We ask Allaah to guide us all, to help us not
to bear any grudges towards anyone, and to treat
one another properly. May Allaah bless our
Prophet Muhammad.
Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
(www.islam-qa.com)
1808: Advice: Separating
women from non-mahram* men in family visits
Question:
What advice can you give Muslim families in
regards to family visits and gatherings?
Answer:
People are civil and sociable by nature: they
must have friends, and friendship involves
visiting one another.
When visits are
between families, we must pay attention to an
important matter which will close the door to
evil, by not allowing mixing between the sexes.
One of the indications that mixing is haraam is
the aayah (interpretation of the meaning): "…
And when you ask (the Prophet's wives) for
anything you want, ask them from behind a
screen, that is purer for your hearts and for
their hearts…"
[al-Ahzaab 33:53]
If we examine the evil results of mixing in
family gatherings, we will find many examples of
corruption and immorality, for example:
In most cases, women's hijaab in mixed
gatherings is either non-existant or not
correct. These women display the beauty which
Allaah has forbidden them to show to anyone
before whom they are not allowed to uncover, as
it says in the aayah (interpretation of the
meaning): "… and not to reveal their
adornment …"
[al-Noor 24:31] It even happens that women
who adorn themselves in mixed gatherings never
adorn themselves for their husbands.
When men see women in mixed gatherings, this
destroys their religious commitment and morals,
and provokes forbidden desires.
Terrible arguments and marital separations
may result, when one looks at or winks at the
wife of another, or they laugh and joke
together. When the couple returns home, the
settling of accounts begins:
Man: "Why did you laugh at so-and-so's
words, when he never said anything funny?
Woman: "And why did you wink at
so-and-so?"
Man: "When he speaks you understand
him readily, but when I speak you never
understand me!"
So the exchange of accusations goes on, until
it ends in hatred or even divorce, in some
cases.
Some men and women may begin to regret their
luck in marriage, when they begin to compare
their spouses with those of their friends. A man
may say to himself, "So-and-so joins in
discussions and is well-educated, but my wife is
ignorant and is not educated at all…" And a
woman may say to herself, "So-and-so is so
lucky, her husband is so eloquent and smart, and
my husband is so boring and speaks without
thinking…" This destroys the marriage
relationship and leads to bad treatment on the
part of both spouses.
Some may show off to others by making false
claims about what they do not have, so that one
man may issue instructions to his wife in front
of other men so that he can pretend to have a
strong personality, when at home he is like a
tame pussy-cat. A woman may borrow gold so that
others in the gathering may think she owns so
much, but the Prophet (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) said: "The one who claims to
have what he does not own is as it were wearing
a garment of falsehood."
(Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 9/317)
These mixed night-time gatherings are often a
waste of time, filled with idle gossip and other
sins of the tongue, whilst small children are
left at home (so that the gathering will not be
spoiled by their crying!)
These night-time gatherings may become even
worse and involve other major sins, such as
drinking and gambling, especially among the
so-called upper class. Another of the major sins
that may result is the desire to follow the
kuffaar and be like them in dress and other
habits and customs. The Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
said: "Whoever imitates a people is one of
them."
(Reported by Imaam Ahmad, al-Musnad, 2/50;
see also Saheeh al-Jaami', 2828)
In family gatherings, women should be
separated from non-mahram men, and the
gatherings should serve some useful purpose,
such as remembrance of Allaah (dhikr), seeking
beneficial knowledge or discussing social
problems or things that can benefit the family
in this life. We ask Allaah to keep us safe and
healthy. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.
* Translator's note: "mahram" refers to a
blood-relative to whom marriage is permanently
forbidden, such as a woman's father, brother,
son, uncle, etc.
Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih
Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com)
701: Cutting off ties with a
non-Muslim sister
Question:
I entered Islaam five years ago, and my
family find it hard to accept. My sister cut off
ties with me for a year, then she got in touch
and asked me to forgive her, which I did. But
she has not stopped insulting my Islaam and
attacking me at every chance she gets. I told
her several times that she is hurting me, but
she didn't stop. After years of suffering, I
sent her a letter telling me to contact me only
if her attitude changed, otherwise, not to get
in touch. Did I do the right thing?
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah. Because of the insults
that you suffered, there is nothing wrong with
what you did, in sha Allaah. This would not be
considered as "breaking family ties", and it may
give her the opportunity to think about what she
has done.
Al-`Allaamah al'Safaareeni, may Allaah have
mercy on him, said in his book Ghidhaa'
al-Albaab: "Ibn Abi Hamzah said: `The ties of
kinship may be by money, by helping at times of
need, by warding off harm, by meeting them with
a smiling face, and by praying for them. The
general meaning is that one helps them in good
ways as much as possible and helps them to
resist or fight evil as much as possible. This
is the case if one's relatives are righteous,
but if they are kaafirs or are wrongdoers, then
cutting off ties with them for the sake of
Allaah is how one maintains the tie, on the
condition that one tries to warn them, and tells
them that the reason for cutting the ties is
because of their deviation from the truth. At
the same time, the connection of making du'aa'
for them should remain, and you should pray for
them in their absence that Allaah will guide
them to the Right Path. (al-Tuhfah: Ghidha'
al-Albaab, 1/356).
And Allaah knows best.
Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
(www.islam-qa.com)
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Introduction